A Bit of Pointless Rambling.

I suffered my first ego-shattering loss during Spring Break. I competed in a regional speech competition that I qualified for by winning a district competition as a Junior, and I didn't place. I have never lost before.

I lost in front of my family and friends who came out to Glendale to support me.

The president of the ACSA told me that she felt I should have won, and I was complimented by several other members of the audience and ACSA staff. After the announcement was made, a few people went as far as to say that I was robbed.

In my mind, none of that matters. Losing is losing. I don't care what the reasoning behind it may be, because in my heart and mind, I will always believe that I lost because I wasn't good enough. I broke down into tears on the spot, and cried nonstop for the next few hours. Everyone was trying to cheer me up, saying that it didn't matter, but it mattered to me. This was my last competition as a high school student. My last chance to make my family and friends proud of me before I left for New York, and I failed right in front of everyone's eyes.

Its been a few days since then, and I still haven't gotten over it. I feel worthless for losing, and I feel pathetic for crying about it. I find myself thinking a million and one horrible thoughts about myself, and the more people try to cheer me up, the worse I feel. I failed; I don't deserve the encouragement and the praise.

And I know that this all sounds astoundingly selfish. I am blessed with friends who support me, and yet I can't honor them by accepting their help. I just don't feel worthy of it anymore.

The president of the ACSA said that they wanted to attempt to get me into contact with David Chang (the man who I wrote my speech about). When I first heard this, I was proud and (reasonably) excited. I knew that it would be a long shot. Once I found out that I lost, I realized that there was no chance. Why would he care about a losing speech?

There was so much riding on me winning at this competition, and I was too much of an idiot to realize it. By losing, I disappointed my Father, who sees me as his perfect daughter. I can consider that image shattered. I wasted my friends' time, because they spent their free time helping me rehearse, for nothing. I let down my school, who actually had a chance of mattering in the academic field. I dishonored David Chang, by writing a  pathetic speech about an amazing man.

I'm a disgrace.

My Return to Cooking: A Quick Dinner

Because of some trouble at home, I hadn't really cooked much in the past two weeks. Yesterday after cleaning I started thinking about it and felt inspired to cook. Cooking is my life, so losing my inspiration and drive to cook was really a signal to me that something was up. Tonight I returned to my kitchen and it felt like home. I made my first piece of blackened fish (courtesy of my cast iron pan I've been working on seasoning since November) and partnered it with red beans and rice and corn on the cob.

Raw tilapia, rubbed with olive oil and seasoned with cajun seasoning.

 Pre-flip.

Post-flip.

The finished product.

I didn't take a picture of the salad, but here is a quick lemon vinaigrette I made. Just olive oil, lemon juice and zest, crushed garlic, salt, and white pepper. Delicious!

First post! Homemade Gyoza

My current obsession is Asian cuisine, most notably Thai, Japanese, and Korean. I got a two-layer bamboo steamer for Christmas, and these Gyoza (more commonly known as potstickers) were the first thing I tried to make in it. The recipe ended up making more than 50, and my family of three had finished them before the end of the night. I would definitely consider that a success.

The ingredients, before prep. Clockwise from left to right: won ton wrappers, ground pork, spring onion (also known as scallion), soy sauce, ginger, garlic, and water chestnuts. 

Post-prep. From left to right: whites of the spring onion, garlic, green tops of the spring onion, ginger, and water chestnuts.

The filling, mixed and ready to go. In addition to the prepped ingredients, I seasoned it with salt, white pepper, and a splash of soy sauce. Very simple.

The first batch of potstickers, ready to be steamed. The process of filling them and pleating the edges took me awhile and was a bit messy, but it was definitely worth it.

Ready to be steamed, and then pan-fried in a 50/50 mixture of olive oil and butter.

The finished product, served with traditional-style Japanese sticky rice (I could write a post dedicated to the process of cooking sticky rice correctly, it was quite a learning experience for me) and a classic sauce used for Gyoza that is just a mixture of garlic, ginger, soy sauce, and rice wine vinegar.