I suffered my first ego-shattering loss during Spring Break. I competed in a regional speech competition that I qualified for by winning a district competition as a Junior, and I didn't place. I have never lost before.
I lost in front of my family and friends who came out to Glendale to support me.
The president of the ACSA told me that she felt I should have won, and I was complimented by several other members of the audience and ACSA staff. After the announcement was made, a few people went as far as to say that I was robbed.
In my mind, none of that matters. Losing is losing. I don't care what the reasoning behind it may be, because in my heart and mind, I will always believe that I lost because I wasn't good enough. I broke down into tears on the spot, and cried nonstop for the next few hours. Everyone was trying to cheer me up, saying that it didn't matter, but it mattered to me. This was my last competition as a high school student. My last chance to make my family and friends proud of me before I left for New York, and I failed right in front of everyone's eyes.
Its been a few days since then, and I still haven't gotten over it. I feel worthless for losing, and I feel pathetic for crying about it. I find myself thinking a million and one horrible thoughts about myself, and the more people try to cheer me up, the worse I feel. I failed; I don't deserve the encouragement and the praise.
And I know that this all sounds astoundingly selfish. I am blessed with friends who support me, and yet I can't honor them by accepting their help. I just don't feel worthy of it anymore.
The president of the ACSA said that they wanted to attempt to get me into contact with David Chang (the man who I wrote my speech about). When I first heard this, I was proud and (reasonably) excited. I knew that it would be a long shot. Once I found out that I lost, I realized that there was no chance. Why would he care about a losing speech?
There was so much riding on me winning at this competition, and I was too much of an idiot to realize it. By losing, I disappointed my Father, who sees me as his perfect daughter. I can consider that image shattered. I wasted my friends' time, because they spent their free time helping me rehearse, for nothing. I let down my school, who actually had a chance of mattering in the academic field. I dishonored David Chang, by writing a pathetic speech about an amazing man.
I'm a disgrace.
